PILA Lubbock - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Supporting parents of loss in the Lubbock Community

Samantha Gross

My name is Samantha Gross. I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant on April 20th of 2017. I was shocked, scared, and happy all at once. Her dad wasn't happy at all. I was constantly sick and I had recently lost my job and apartment, I struggled to find someone to stay with because her dad wouldn't let me stay with him. I finally found a family member I could stay with and I started job hunting. I was constantly sick and that didn't help much in getting a job. I remember the first time I felt her kick was on the 4th of July. My family and I went to see the fireworks and she kicked me all day long. I would sing to her, read to her, and constantly hand my hand on my belly, I loved her so much. Aaron claimed he was coming around to the idea that he wanted to be a dad, but looking back on it, he wasn't. I had finally got a job interview for company that would allow me to be able to move out on my own again and get a car, and provide for me and my daughter. Well on July 21st of 2017 I went in for an ultrasound and found out i was having a girl. I named her Seras Marie Victoria Gross-Lord (Gross on the paperwork because I had the gut feeling that her dad wasn't going to really be around). After my ultrasound, I was pulled into another room. I was told that Seras had formed without a skull, her organs were flipped (ones on the left were on the right and vice versa), she had a hole in her heart, a brain abnormality, and clubbed feet. My little girl would not survive outside of my womb. I had to make the hard decision to terminate my pregnancy. I was sent the Iowa City hospital on July 28th and they stopped her heart, I held my sister's hand as I felt her movements stop and her heart stop beating. I had to carry her for 4 more days until they could remove her. As if that wasn't hard enough and sleeplessness and depression kicking in, they forgot to give me any of the medications for the dilation procedure. So on July 30th I went through the one that involved putting stick like things in your cervix. Without pain medication. I had to clench my teeth and click on c clicky pen to get though the first 18 sticks being shoved in me. Well afterwords I puked my guts out all day, food, water, nothing stayed down. They finally sent the prescription to a local pharmacy. Well, that got all messed up and when I went back to get the first set of sticks removed and the second ones in, well I did it without meds again and it was worse because I was already sore. Once again, puked the rest of the night and no food. Well, on July 31st I went in to have her removed. My water broke and I was fully dilated. I was given some form of ibuprofen for pain. So I am laying there waiting almost 2 hours for a D and E and my Aunt who I was staying with for my time Iowa City is just having a fit because I am in serious pain and no one was seeming to care. Well, the anesthesiologist was walking by and my Aunt snagged her in the room and explained everything. She looked at me, looked at my charts and saw what I was given for pain. She held my hand and told me she was going to give knock me out early because I my surgeon got done with clinic early so my procedure got bumped up. Waking up and realizing she wasn't inside me was one of the worst feelings. She was gone and where was her Dad though all of this? He was in Iowa City, but at an anime convention. He only checked up on me once via Facebook messenger and that was to see what I was up to. I have my ups and downs, I struggle with depression and talk to a therapist and I did some support groups for awhile. Small babies still cause some panic. I have left her Dad and started to build a better life for myself. It is hard, but it will pay off in the end.